在这个寂寞的夜晚里，我看着大家，觉得好快乐，又觉得寂寞。我看到我莫个朋友，让我想起莫个坏蛋，一个，不懂得珍惜，不懂得快乐的坏蛋。此刻的我，问过自己，为什么当时要为那种人流泪。

Hello diary,

It is of complete randomness that I can't sleep, and hence I am here. Unsure it is insomnia, or is my brain just do not want to sleep. Do not ask me why, cos I do not know either.

I lost my motivation at work everyday, and even when I am home after work, I felt restless and din want to do anything. Rejected many happy hours because my body need more sleep than alcohol, though my brain needs more alcohol than sleep - absolute confusion. Is this because I had stop almost my drinking session? I am unsure. And I am too tired to think about it.

Occasionally I felt like being alone, going to eat alone, walk alone, gym alone and do all the things I have done on my off shift which I hardly gt the time now. Used to slp by 10PM on admin shift, and i couldnt get to bed by 11 recently.

I miss my singing k sessions, my random pub chilling sessions, and even though sessions where we drank till morning. I know i am too old for those, but occasionally i reckon it should be fine? But time is so hard to coordinate. Or isit I did not make the effort? Rejected too many? :/

Many people walked out of my door last year, and as much as feeling upset, I understood it is part of life and appreciate those that stayed. Just like murphy's law, what will happen will happen. I just couldnt understand how they could forget the many years of friendship just like that. All the laughter and fun we shared, disappear into thin air.

Maybe it is time to give myself some alone time, to recharge, to rethink, to re-motivate myself in life.

Signing off,
XiaoMonster

Its April in 2017, and many things have changed. My job, the people around me, and es my lifestyle. It seems like a 180deg change back in Q3 2016.

Looking back at Q3 2016, I never thought I could survive after the huge change. I thought I would revert back to the TGIF Nicole, the party Nicole, and the forever not at home Nicole. And I was even looking to head back to the states to work, just like in 2013.

I found a new job, that allows me to head to the states, no matter how long, I agreed. I am still glad I left ASM, for the shift is killing me, and the job scope being not challenging enough. I am still happy with Illumina right now, although I am unsure how long I will be. No one knows, isnt it.

And then I found him, someone I knew since I was 13, but had never really caught my eye. Never knew things would progress to how it is now, but I am glad it did. Requesting not to go back to USA, hoping not to even go there for more than 2 weeks, all in the name of staying with him longer. He told me I was his childhood crush for awhile, its hard to believe since I think I am like shit back then, but, haha, alright. Sounds good to be sth like eye candy I guess.

I remember how it all started, and very happy it did, all the B2 days. Thinking back, I wasnt expecting anything out of B2 because all I wanted to do was not to think about unhappy stuffs. I panic after the second night, cause' I didnt expect him to. Still glad he did not give up when I tried to run away.

Things are good now, and every moment not seeing him, I missed him. I dont remember being like this in the past, I remember wanting many of Me-time as much as possible. So I guess, this is more real. And right now as I am typing this, I missed him. <3 J

But as the days go by, occasionally I lose the confidence, I lost what I thought I have. When I confide in friends, all I hear is to try going out more and I will understand where I stand. But I do not want to be like that, and I rather have Me-time. The more I think about it, sometimes the more depressing it is. So I tried to do more things to distract myself :) SLEEP! Pa game, run! Occasionally pa dart with xuanxuan. ^^v

And yeap, thats why I am here. :) To take something off my shoulder, to be more positive.

I always told myself, even your shadows leave you in the dark, for you trust no one. I hope you will not.

Signing off,
*Star

There is no ending like happily ever after. There isnt. Should have knew.

This is the end. I am a coward, and I couldnt be brave enough to say it when I see him. But nevertheless, at least I stop the dragging, and end the unhappiness once and for all.

Im determined, determined to let it all go.

Be brave, Xin, I tell myself. Be brave. You can't leave this time like you always did, opportunities dont come that easy. Face it.

At least, its the end.

*STAR

And if that’s not enough? You have to leave.

It isn’t your fault, or his. It isn’t a timing thing, either.

This is loving yourself enough, to do this. Even if it breaks your heart too.

You’ve got to leave when you are doing your best, but your best still isn’t good enough.

09AUG16

Happy 51st birthday, Singapore.

In a situation where I am feeling very suffocated, very confused, and want to just leave the country like I've always wanted to. I thought I have grew up after all these years, facing the music, rather than simply wanting to run away. I thought I am done with all these, but I guess, humans never really change, and so never will I.

When I just to justify he is avoiding the issue, I realized I am also doing so. I couldnt be brave enough to face the music, I couldnt make a decision. I want to give up, but I am stupidly holding on to the fact I still have someone by my side, someone I am familiar. The thoughts of re-familiarizing with another person sends a chill down my spine, and to me, it is very tiring.

Whenever I want to talk, just thinking about it changes my mind. And by the end of the day, I get so tired that I just want to go home and sleep. And forget about everything.

I haven been really happy ever since 2 months ago that this issue occurred. Coming here to pen down my thoughts made me look back on the past 2 years, and I realized I have been running away from the issue since then. 26 this year, turning 27 in less than half a year. No longer young, wild, and free. The decision will affect my life in the future.

Tired of all these, procrastination of my decision making, is pulling me down. Plastering a smile everyday, lei le,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnh6966tdC8

*Star

I am back, like randomly. Not cause' I have something upset or negative that I had to pen it down, but, yeah, just random. Today is 003 of 2016, and I really want my 2016 to be a more positive, a better 2016. Rather than focusing on the bad things that happen during this year, I am trying to pen down good things, positive things. That when I read back this post, I could be like, 'Wow, what an exciting and happy year it is'. For that, let me rewind a couple of days back.